


I'm Ready to Suffer, and I'm Ready to Hope

by VeryMauk_aGast



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Essek Thelyss deserves nice things, Frumpkin is an Emotional Support Animal (Critical Role), Gen, Hugs, Self-Doubt, Tenderness, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:00:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23135800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeryMauk_aGast/pseuds/VeryMauk_aGast
Summary: “Essek Theylss, I want you to know that you are worthy.”Caleb and Essek have a conversation about self-doubt, finding their worth, and hope for the future.Featuring: two sad wizard boys, and an emotional support fey-cat.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 80





	I'm Ready to Suffer, and I'm Ready to Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the wonderful goldengrahams who beta'd this fic and provided the amazing title (lyric from "Shake it Off" by Florence + the Machine). You should totally check out his work! https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengrahams/pseuds/goldengrahams

“How long has it been, Essek?” Caleb asked. The soft Zemnian accent made Essek shiver. The human’s voice was calm and even, without a hint of emotion.

“Been since what, Caleb?”

The human gave him a strange look. A combination of amusement and sadness. Caleb sighed and stood up from where he was sitting at the desk. The Zemnian human commanded the room with a quiet sense of confidence, and Essek couldn’t help but stare as Caleb made his way closer to where Essek was sitting on the couch to read. Essek stiffened and straightened up as Caleb came to stand in front of him.

“How long?”

Essek shook his head in confusion as a nervous sweat broke out across the small of his back. “I- I’m not quite sure I understand, Caleb.”

The Empirial wizard leaned closer to Essek and reached out a hand towards Essek. He instinctually flinched away from it. Caleb’s hand stopped in its tracks, frozen in time and space. It hung there for several heartbeats before Caleb withdrew it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Caleb straightened himself up to give Essek more space. “How long has it been since someone has shown you kindness, Herr Thelyss?”

That certainly hadn’t been the question he expected to hear. “I’m sorry?”

“You heard me, Essek,” Caleb said. Those brilliant blue eyes searched his own for quite some time. The words brought him back to the middle of the night. On a ship in the harbor. Essek could hear the gentle lapping of water and smell the salt of the Lucidian ocean.

Essek closed his eyes for a moment, not wanting to look at Caleb as he repeated the words of an incredibly wise tiefling. “You and your friends have done nothing but show me kindness… And still do.” When he opened his eyes again, Caleb was still standing in front of him surveying Essek’s face.

Caleb hummed thoughtfully. “I have noticed things about you, Herr Thelyss,” Caleb said, taking a few steps back to aimlessly wander the room at a slow pace.

Essek tilted his head, ears pricking up slightly as if to express his confusion without words. “Have you?” he asked cautiously.

“You carry yourself to intimidate. You have an air of bravado and confidence that puts others in awe,” Caleb said, his tone fluctuating slowly. Almost melodic. “Your power and skills are immense. Extraordinary.”

Essek shifted uncomfortably but continued to listen.

“Shadowhand to the Bright Queen, and barely out of your first century. No small feat,” he said, picking up a feathered quill from the study desk. Essek watched the human stare at the pen and twirl it over and over in his fingertips. “And yet… And yet you are full of doubt, Essek.”

Essek made a small noise as if to interrupt, but Caleb held up his free hand to stop him. Essek found himself holding back.

“You are. You doubt yourself. Your abilities, your intellect, your place, and you especially doubt your worth.” Caleb gently set the quill back down and turned to face Essek once more.

The wizard snapped and suddenly an orange cat materialized in Essek’s lap. He glanced down in surprise, and then back to Caleb. Frumpkin immediately laid down in Essek’s lap and started purring and kneading on his thigh.

“I find that having Frumpkin helps to ground myself when I have to hear something that I don’t want to hear…” Caleb said softly. “And I don’t think you are going to like what I have to say next.”

Essek’s blood went cold as the world wavered and wobbled. He suddenly felt like he was going to faint. The slightly sharp prick of claws in his leg snapped him back as he saw Frumpkin now standing up, meowing and rubbing his head against Essek’s chest.

“Careful, now. Deep breaths.” Caleb said soothingly as he moved closer to Essek once again. “Just listen,” the human knelt down in front of him, “and look at me.”

Essek swallowed the sand in his throat and forced himself to meet the wizard’s piercing gaze.

“Essek Theylss, I want you to know that you are worthy.”

“Worthy? Wh-what?” he managed to croak out despite the shockwaves pulsating through his body.

“ _Ja_. Worthy. You are worthy.”

Essek let out a sharp, pained laugh of disbelief. “I- Caleb, you can’t be serious. After everything I’ve done. After everyone I’ve _hurt_. After all of that…”

“I know,” he said simply. “And I will repeat it again. You are worthy.”

Essek had a rather extensive vocabulary. He knew dozens of synonyms for pretty much any word. In several languages, at that. But this human wizard had seemingly robbed him of all of them with three simple words of his own. 

“You have made mistakes, yes. Grave mistakes. You’ve stumbled and fallen. You’ve lost yourself. Lost your truth.” Frumpkin purred soothingly against Essek’s thighs, almost as though he was matching the drow’s trembling in his own way. “But you are not irredeemable. You are not past saving.”

“Caleb, I—”

“Just listen, please,” he said. Frumpkin meowed softly, tail flicking across Essek’s arm. “Essek, you are worthy. Despite your flaws, you still deserve kindness. You deserve compassion. Warmth. Love. You are worthy of _all_ of it.”

Essek clenched his jaw shut. His ears flattened, and he turned his face away from Caleb, trying to stifle back the surge of emotion rolling through his body. After a small moment he felt calloused fingers slip under his chin to pull his head back to face Caleb. It took some self-restraint, but he managed not to pull away.

“Look at me, please,” Caleb begged.

Essek obeyed the request as a single tear droplet rolled off his cheek. Caleb took his hand and wiped the trail off Essek’s face as he cradled Essek’s cheeks with both hands. Gentle. So gentle and kind.

He didn’t deserve this. He’d lied to them. Lied to _Caleb_. Put his safety in jeopardy. He’d gotten close to the Nein despite knowing how his previous actions would put them in danger. Essek was everything the Nein tried to fight against. And yet, here was a human wizard from the Empire holding him and comforting him. He didn’t deserve any of this kindness.

“We are just alike, you and I,” Caleb murmured. “And if there was hope for me, then there is undoubtedly hope for you.”

The tears rolled forth freely now. Hope. It seemed so unfamiliar. So abstract. So fleeting.

“You are worthy, Essek. Nothing you can tell yourself will ever make it untrue. We are our own worst enemies. Believe me, I know,” he said, fingers brushing softly across Essek’s cheekbones. “But my friends kept reminding me of my worth and value, and eventually I started to believe them. And it was hard. _So_ hard. I still have doubts. But the power of good and love is impossible to deny. It works much more slowly than hatred, but it’s so much more powerful than anything that either of us could ever hope to achieve.”

Essek felt the rough lick of Frumpkin’s sandpaper tongue against his hand, causing him to loosen the death grip he had on the front of his robes. His knuckles were light purple from the strain, and his hands trembled once unclenched.

“You’re not alone, Essek. Not anymore.”

Despite all his better sense, Essek found himself slumping forward into Caleb’s arms. The other wizard quickly shifted to embrace him as Essek’s forehead nestled into the crook of Caleb’s neck. Silent tears continued to fall, leaving a significant damp spot on Caleb’s gray tunic. One of Caleb’s hands pressed comfortingly on the back of Essek’s neck and the other held his back firmly. Frumpkin let out a small _mrowl_ of protest before wiggling out of the space between their bodies to sit next to Essek’s thigh instead. Essek let out a watery chuckle and reached over to stroke Frumpkin’s forehead with a knuckle once before winding his arms around Caleb’s waist.

The human contact was disorienting. The comfort and warmth of the human’s embrace soaked deep into Essek’s body. He could feel ages and ages of tension melting away. It was terrifying. It was incredible. It was so very, _very_ needed.

He didn’t feel redeemable, and he _certainly_ didn’t believe he was worthy. But maybe, just maybe… If Caleb saw something worth saving in him, even just a faintest hint of an ember of hope… Maybe it would grow and flourish before the darkness completely smothered it from existence.

**Author's Note:**

> Drow have expressive ears like cats, and no one will ever convince me otherwise.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos give me bardic inspiration, and are always so very appreciated <3 Much love everyone!


End file.
